This is a vent and probably a trauma dump too, although I’m probably asking for something despite my inability to word it. I’ll try not to make it too specific but it needs to come out so bad. I’m so fucking lonely. It’s a gigantic painful hole of solitude dug just under the sternum.
I’m slowly pulling myself out of a disastrous marriage. She has issues, I have issues, and we’ve been feeding each other’s issues for years. I haven’t existed for a long time. I haven’t acted on negative or positive signals from myself in a long time. I just soaked it all up. There’s still a lot of sorting out to do and it’ll most probably be a whole bucket of pain all along the way.
We have a child. Our daughter’s amab and she rightfully hates her mother, who’s said horrible things to her throughout her life. She is predictably fucked up. She’s only out as trans to me and has basically given up on life at this point. She lives at night, she dropped out of college, she’s unable to cope with basic social interactions and it’s become increasingly hard to get her to eat meals. She’s shutting me out. I have basically no idea what’s going on with her emotionally anymore. I’m ridden with guilt on so many levels.
Me and my daughter moved out of home and are staying with relatives. We have our own rooms but it’s not an easy situation. We have our own psychologists and our own family doctors.
I knew my sexual orientation’s fluid for a long time. I’ve admitted it to myself for a much shorter time. I’ve mostly come out as bi in the last days. What I didn’t expect is how as soon as I’ve started to quit the heteronormative role of a cishetero husband, the gender fluidity would hit me so crazy hard. I’ve made some simple changes to the way I present which feel unbelievably intense and emancipating. I feel things I thought I would never feel again and others that are completely new to me. It’s like permafrost thawing but in a good way.
On the other hand I also feel like a pet completely cut off from their species. I’m so. Fucking. Lonely. I have no friends, let alone queer ones. It takes a tremendous effort to maintain the faith that this is valid, that I’m valid. That I’m not being silly. That this isn’t one of those mid-life crisis that men go through and that everybody laughs about. I mean I know buying an expensive sports car isn’t like buying buttplugs and nail polish but still you know.
So if you read all that thank you so much and please don’t be shy. I hope your day is bright! I’ll go touch grass for a little while now.
For starters, I gotta say I don’t think you’re being silly at all. Your experience is valid, your identity is valid, you are valid. You’re doing the hard work of getting into yourself and sorting that out, which is a good thing. You’re only having this struggle because you’re being brave about things most people would rather lock up in their metaphorical basement and forget about.
You may feel alone but you’re not, you’re only isolated. Stay in touch with the wider world, take opportunities to join small communities geared toward LGBT+ people and see if you don’t find one that fits, with good people you can foster friendships with. I struggle with that part but sometimes tenacity pays off and you wind up with decent people who provide good moral support. Whatever you do, don’t let the isolation convince you that it’s the same as being alone!
Your experience is valid, your identity is valid, you are valid.
All the previous comments have been filling my heart and this is the exact point where I burst into tears. I need to remember those words.
I’ve started to look into local queer communities yeah. It’s not easy because a lot of them are either geared at youth or seniors, which I am neither. But you are right and I will persist in my search. I’m waiting for a response about one such place as a matter of fact. I actually struggle with letting myself go out at all for fear of neglecting family. This is excessive of course as we’re in a much more sane situation than we were. It’s all a work in progress.
It’s not easy because a lot of them are either geared at youth or seniors, which I am neither
At 42 years old I definitely relate to that. I stumbled into a very inclusive group run by people my age (many of whom are LGBT+ in general if not trans), while playing Final Fantasy 14. Their support has been invaluable to me these past 18 months!
Gosh, maybe I should play multiplayer stuff after all…
As someone who ignored their feelings and eventually realized that I was miserable, it takes bravery to finally listen to yourself again. I think you’re doing the right thing. It’s hard to feel repressed feelings. Really hard. There were many times when I felt like I was barely treading water. Eventually it gets easier and I felt like myself again.
I went to a counselor and they told me that I had to unprogram myself. I had been telling myself things like “you’re not good enough”. I learned to tell myself positive things, even when I half didn’t believe them at first. Here’s some things that helped me to tell myself:
You’re fine the way you are. You belong in this world as much as anyone else. Your feelings are valid.
I gave myself permission to prioritize myself and my feelings and things improved. I’m not saying it’s okay to neglect others. Sometimes the best thing you can do to help others is to help yourself first. You can learn to trust yourself and love yourself again.
I was talking with a friend a couple of days ago whose life is basically putting out brush fires for others and had hit her limit. She pointed out the flight-safety boilerplate of “remember to secure your own mask before helping others.”
❤️
Thank you for sharing. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact I need to actually be a person if I want to help. It’s a complicated line to thread on but it’s the only one that’s a life.
🫂 It’s going to take a long time to sort and process your feelings and experiences, OP. I hope you are able to give yourself grace, time and silence to do that, even a little bit at a time. I hope you are able to just sit and feel your own feelings and take time to ask "is this mine or projected at me?” I hope you do this without judging your feelings as valid or invalid, before you start the work of whether they make sense and from whence they arise. I think you’re really worth that. I think you deserve it, and wish you the best possible for your greater good. ❤️
Wise and kind words. Thank you for directing them at me. Pacing myself, sorting out the thoughts that are mine and not judging my own experience so harshly is something I’m working on with professional help and you’re very right to remind me.
You are so welcome. I know you aren’t trans, but I feel like you may benefit from support from @https://mlmym.lemmy.blahaj.zone/u/Nikki from https://mlmym.lemmy.blahaj.zone/c/trans_joy
Absolutely! Lately I’ve gotten support for nail painting from the wonderful women at the Blahaj transfem community, including Nikki’s :)
I’m so glad you found a support community! Those ladies are wonderful!
Hello, friend! Sending you supportive thoughts.
Supportive thoughts received! I truly appreciate it friend.
It’s good to see that you have family and doctors to rely on. I’m sorry that things are tough for you and your daughter. Keep your head high and know this is temporary. Look forward to the friends and lovers in your future.
Look forward to the friends and lovers in your future.
For the longest time I thought my crumpled heart was out of romantic love forever. All spent and burnt up. A few days ago it dawned on me this was regenerating. For a brief moment I felt a diffuse, unfocused speck of love. I mean I can blush again. The mere thought of future friends and lovers is making me blush. The vulnerability is scary as hell though, and I still need to work on not reproducing unhealthy patterns.
I mean I know buying an expensive sports car isn’t like buying buttplugs and nail polish but still you know.
I mean, honestly, butt plugs and nail polish are a lot cheaper than a sports car, and much better for the environment.
Jokes aside (although there’s also quite a bit of truth to that), there are a number of things that are interesting to unpack. Starting with:
I haven’t existed for a long time. I haven’t acted on negative or positive signals from myself in a long time. I just soaked it all up.
I feel things I thought I would never feel again and others that are completely new to me.
That’s an incredibly important realization. And be glad you’ve made it, it sure as hell wasn’t easy, I’m assuming. And it won’t be easy for a while yet. But you’re working on a path where in the long term, things will be much better. You have a psychologist, which is great - and that will definitely help you down that path. And if you ever “fall back”, don’t be hard on yourself, it can happen. Get back up and do your best to get onto that path. (And personal note: I know people who are heading into that “not existing” state as you describe it and it’s excruciating to watch, especially after having tried everything to help them. Stories like yours are always a glimmer of hope for me)
It takes a tremendous effort to maintain the faith that this is valid, that I’m valid. That I’m not being silly. That this isn’t one of those mid-life crisis that men go through and that everybody laughs about.
I know men having mid-life crises are often joked about, but mid-life crises are serious and valid, as well. I understand you have that “silly” association with them, but they are everything other than that. Maybe you’re going through a mid-life crisis. Maybe you’re not. It honestly doesn’t matter. It’s valid, whatever it is.
What is also important is that you’re honest with your daughter without taking anything out on her (side note: how old is she?). You’re not going to be able to hide that you’re not doing well from her. She won’t believe you for a second that everything is fine. At the same time, this whole thing is incredibly tough for her as well. Being honest and straightforward with her can really help, because if you’re open with people yourself, they’ll often be much more open with you. And she probably desperately needs someone she can be open with. You’re indirectly saying you need someone you can trust, someone who understands you. In all likelihood, she need the same. Do your best to be that person, and you can really help her. She’s already out only to you, so the basis for trust is definitely there.
Hope things get better.
Good point about the mid-life crisis being valid. I really dislike the mockery made out of it. I’ve had to deal with that prejudice from the ex and it stung more than it should have.
You’re absolutely right about being open to my daughter. She’s 18. If I wasn’t open to her about my struggles and about my own queerness than she probably wouldn’t have felt safe enough to share with me that she’s my daughter and not my son.
Thanks for the good wishes and reassurance, it means so much.
I’ve made some simple changes to the way I present which feel unbelievably intense and emancipating.
I feel you there, I started painting my nails and got some new glasses recently and feel so good :) I’m more comfortable with the slim body I’ve always felt slightly unconfident with, and using my natural body language more. My mood and outlook has shifted dramatically. Can’t help in the friends department as I’ve never been good there. If it feels right for you then it’s totally valid, good luck and be well <3
Right?? I love the nail painting! I’ve always talked with my hands, and now I’m flailing fingers, shooting pure joy out of them, blinding colleagues in the process. Love the “if it feels right it’s valid” idea btw. You go rock that slim silhouette, I’ll go do the same with my dad build
I understand the feeling valid part all too well, unfortunately I went to great lengths to deny my true self. I was raised not strictly Catholic but enough, went to religious grade school then regular high school, becoming an alcoholic for many years and drug addict many more, your mind will concoct all sorts of reasoning and mechanisms if you decide to deny your true self but it will just be a lot of suffering. I finally came to terms with myself after being unhappy with life for so long, remembering how happy I was in my youth and teens when I wasn’t even thinking about sex or what society thought of it. I had quite an LGBTQ+ friendly group in high school, people that I had met through local BBS, we would go hang out at Dennys and drink coffee all night, some were cast members of the local production of Rocky Horror Picture Show, but we were all weirdos and I guess I just got disconnected from that somehow and lost myself, for decades I didn’t even think about it really, I thought I was asexual maybe. But, now I finally accept who I am and I’m so much happier because of it.
Hey big hugs friend
I’m happy for you being well on your way to self discovery. It’s the hardest, and the best gift we can give ourselves.Big hugs and same to you as well. I didn’t mean to hijack just sharing what brought me here and how long it took for me to accept those feelings as valid as well. <3
I’m touched you chose to share, and I see better what you mean. Don’t you think for a second you’re hijacking or whatnot 😊
Any interest in group-watching movies/anime, or learning programming? Play any games?
Yes, yes and yes!
Although I can be picky with movies and anime since I’m just ridiculously skittish. Horror is a big no~no.
I love programming! Been doing it for twenty+ years and always learning. I’m toying with awk lately although it’s been hard to focus so progress is slow even for such a simplistic language. I kind of miss experimenting with opinionated languages like haskell or Common Lisp to heal from the web dev work.
I play no multiplayer games yet but I have a mind to get into FFXIV. In the single player department I’ve been enjoying Witch Spring R lately :3
